Yesterday

I'm walking down the street
And see this Red Bull walking towards me
He looks like Mr Potato Head -
Just a spud,
As I pick up the courage to ask him his name.
He says, “Rooney.”
“Rooney who?”
“Wayne Rooney.”
“Oh! What the hell are you doing in Leicester?”
“I'm looking for a kebab shop.”
I say, “Dial-a-pizza.”
As he asks me my name
I say “Becks and Posh.”
“You’re not from Brooklyn.”
We stand outside Matalan.
I tell him me and my wife were the Becks and Posh of the Dominican Republic;
We sat there drinking cocktails That cost us a pound -
That was the barman’s monthly wage.
Two wishes, three different realities;
I know the four of us are happy with our reality
As I buy a EuroMillions
I cross my fingers
and make a wish
On all the black cats that have crossed me.
I think if everyone won the lottery
There’d be no-one working in McDonald’s,
There’d be no-one to book my holiday
And no farmers working the fields
With no food in the shops.
After I walk home with my four cans of Special Brew
I sit down to watch Match of the Day
And the wife says, “Do you fancy an early night?”
Ten minutes later I'm drifting off to sleep
As out comes Rampant Rabbit!She’s swearing and screaming, I'm farting and dreaming -
Wait till I tell my mum the day I had yesterday...